Boys will be boys...!

Sometime in 1984

I am still serving on HMS Yarmouth. We are now acting as guard ship in the West Indies.

So what is a guard ship? Basically the ship's duties are to patrol the islands and to respond to any requests for help, particularly in disaster areas. For example if an island was struck by a hurricane or tsunami we would provide search and rescue assistance, medical support and disaster relief.

Of course, during such a deployment there is usually plenty of opportunity for shore time to explore the islands. This is one of the better locations!

Now, let me explain a little about 'Jolly Jack' to you. He is away from home and tends to adopt the attitude that 'what they don't know, won't hurt them!" So, presented with the opportunity for, let's say, some female company, he usually doesn't try too hard to resist.

We are alongside in Antigua. This is one of the larger islands that is at once beautiful but of stark contrasts. On the one hand, there are beautiful beaches and expensive homes, on the other, there are many people living near the poverty line.

I am enticed ashore by a couple of my mess mates and we head out to find a suitable watering hole. This doesn't prove too hard and we settle down for a few beers! I haven't led a sheltered life but it takes me awhile to notice my surroundings fully.

While I sit at the bar I notice that there are quite a few of my ship mates here also. They regularly disappear upstairs and appear a little later. I casually mention this to my mates. They aren't concerned, after all we are sitting at the bar of a fairly large brothel! My ship mates are getting acquainted with the locals!

A few days later, we are back on patrol and my sick bay is pretty busy. I have about 25 cases of STD's (sexually transmitted diseases). This to Jack, is an accepted hazard of his life style! Around 15 of these new cases appear to have got their little problem from the same girl - yep, you guessed it - this group paid a visit to the brothel in Antigua.

So, many smears and painful injections later, all of the new cases are treated. The worrying thing, for me, is that it is during this period that the world is beginning to wake up to the threat of Aids. One of my roles is to lecture the crew on health & hygiene. But Jack, I think, always adopts the attitude to jump first and ask questions later!

Of course, as part of my stores I carry a good supply of contraceptives. I don't think there was a single occasion during my time on the ship that I was ever asked for any of these!

Anyone for a dip.......?

11th July 1982

We are again in the TEZ and spend the day transferring stores to RFA Fort Grange. This was to prove quite an eventful day.

The weather was very cold and the seas a little choppy, but not too bad. The flight deck is covered with a thick sheet of ice, making moving stores extremely difficult - however, we press on.

The stores are being transferred via the ship's sea riders and with the aid of a Sea King helicopter from the Fort Grange. Quite an impressive site seeing this large aircraft landing and taking of from our flight deck!

The crew works hard getting the stores shifted and all proceeds well until mid afternoon when the Sea King has a mishap. It had just taken off from our flight deck and had moved away some 30 yards, or so. It obviously had developed some sort of engine problem because it just dropped from the sky! Fortunately, not from a great height - if it had done, the outcome may have been different.

The aircraft's flotation bags deployed as it hit the water and then it just sat there for a while bobbing in the water. Our sea rider responded rapidly and recovered the crew with minimum fuss. A good job - well done. The aircraft's crew were all fine with no injuries. They had not been immersed, so no problems with hypothermia or water ingestion. In fact, they were drier than the sea rider crew that picked them up!

There was a further bit of drama when the Fort Grange's sea rider capsized while trying to attach a line to tow the ditched aircraft back to their ship. This crew were then rescued by our sea rider crew. Again, no injuries.

I can't quite remember the fate of the Sea King - I suspect it sunk.

So, another eventful day demonstrating the skills of the well trained men of the Royal Navy!

Hands to bathe....?

Now here's a strange thing - "Hands to bathe".

I witnessed this phenomenon whilst on the Yarmouth in 1984. We were somewhere in the Mediterranean at the time with no land in site.

Now I love the sea, don't get me wrong, but I also respect it. It's a mysterious place. At once benign and calm then a raging cauldron. Over time we learn more about the sea and it's denizens.

I do enjoy a dip in the sea from time to time. However, I choose these times carefully; particularly the location. The depths of the oceans are still a relatively undiscovered place- we don't really know all of the secrets it holds.

So, let me tell you about 'Hands to bathe'. The ship comes to a stop in the middle of some ocean or other - on this occasion the Med. It's a warm sunny day, so why not give the crew a little relaxation in the form of a refreshing dip? Drape a couple of climbing nets over the side and away you go!

'Hands to bathe!" is piped over the ship's tannoy. Then, to my amazement, large numbers of the crew throw themselves over the side into the water - for a swim! I think this is some form of madness - surely. Here we are in the ocean in the middle of nowhere and the troops think it a great idea to have a dip.

To my mind, this seems a particularly bad idea. We have no idea what is swimming below us in the murky depths - a great white, perhaps, or a killer whale - I could go on. Am I the only one to have seen Jaws!

Of course, we know now, from the countless wildlife documentaries, that the seas hunters often mistake bathers for their lunch! I can think of nothing that would convince me to leap over the side for a refreshing dip!

Never fear, though. The crew are well protected. There are a couple of crew members at either end of the ship with SLRs (the Navy's standard rifle) keeping watch for unwanted visitors! Well, that's alright then. I'd hate to see what happens if a school of sharks pays a visit for a mid morning snack. I think there would be pandemonium - 2 riflemen not sure whether to fire or not and 40 odd seamen trying to scramble up a climbing net!

'Hands to bathe' - I don't bloody think so!

Neptune lives..!

Contrary to popular opinion - Neptune is alive and well.

You can see him in the picture - he's the one with the trident!

It's may 1982 - I am on the Leeds Castle steaming towards the South Atlantic and the Falklands conflict. This is my first ship so I am learning as I go.

Imagine my surprise when I am told that Neptune will be visiting the ship! Not only that, but I have been co-opted to his court. I will be acting as his 'doctor of the court'. My task will be to administer foul tasting tablets to the victims of the 'court' (these tablets are concocted by one of the chefs - I shudder to imagine what was in them). Still with me?

Well, this is another Royal Navy tradition that happens when the a ship crosses the equator for the first time during a deployment. the idea is to thank 'Neptune' for allowing safe passage on his seas. This is charmingly known as 'the crossing the line ceremony'.

Most of the crew dress up in suitably silly costumes and round up those crew members who are 'crossing the line' for the first time (that includes me). A canvas swimming pool is erected on the flight deck. It is here that Neptune holds court.

One by one the first timers are given the foul tablets by me, and overseen by Neptune and his cronies they are throughly dunked in the pool. Great fun is had by all. I thought I might be spared, given my lofty position as court doctor. Not a bit of it. Neptune's men seemed to take great pleasure in giving me a thorough dunking!

So there you go - Neptune is alive and well. Ask anyone who has 'crossed the line' on a royal Navy ship!