Heard the one about the glaswegian and the scouser at Xmas....?

Xmas a time of good cheer and copious quantities of alcohol! Well that's how 'Jolly Jack' does it.

It's New years eve 1984 - on board HMS Yarmouth on patrol in the South Atlantic. It's rough weather and the ship is rocking and rolling. No matter! It's Xmas - down to the mess for a few tinnies.

Now, I usually did not drink whilst on board - any medical problems and it was down to me. But, it was New Year's eve so I relented a little (for once we had a medical Officer on board - so he could take the weight a little).

A good few tinnies later (quite a few, actually) - I staggered back to the sick bay to get some shut eye. I only staggered, you understand, because of the rough weather!

I get woken on New Year's morning at around 0200 - there's been a bit of a rumble in the aft seaman's mess. Apparently, a Glaswegian and a Scouser, both the worse for alcohol, have had a bit of a falling out. I would point out that the Scouser is significantly bigger than the Glaswegian. Net result? Glaswegian is floored - he falls back and strikes his head on a hatch combing (this is the raised edge of a hatchway).

I, being a little under the weather myself, send for the Medical Officer. No chance, he's had a very good night in the wardroom - he can't even be woken from his slumbers! So, down to me then.

I get the patient onto my treatment table. Blood everywhere - quite a nasty gash - almost ear to ear. Obviously stitches required. This is easier said than done.

Picture it - very heavy seas, the ship is rolling all over the place, a very drunk Glaswegian on the table and, a not to sober, medic preparing to stitch his scalp back together. Not to inspiring is it?

I have one of his mess mates help me out with keeping the patient still and relatively quiet. First of all, local anaesthetic? No. He's so drunk, he won't feel a thing!

I get to work - a simple matter of closing the wound with sutures and then dressing it. Well, no. It proves very difficult, indeed. A number of factors conspire against me. First, a very drunk patient, a quite drunk medic and a treatment room that is moving around like a bucking bronco!

The job takes a good couple of hours - mainly because each time I thread the needle in to the wound the bloody ship lurches and I pull it straight back out again! Nevertheless, I finally get finished - a bloody good job under the circumstances.

Of course, that's not the end of it for me. The Glaswegian has sustained a serious blow to the head so, I spend the rest of the night, kept awake by copious coffee, keeping watch over the patient with regular head injuries observations. Happy, bloody, New Year!

It's now New Years morning, the ship's company has turned to. The Medical Officer pops his head around the door - "Quiet night?". Answer - "of course - no problems, Sir!"

I get the last laugh - the Glaswegian gets to clean my sick bay from top to bottom. Sailors, eh!